no-games day; because you don't play games against God's will

Today I wasn't able to post any gaming video.

 Today early in the morning my husband died. 

I told my husband many times to take things slowly; he couldn't. Wouldn't. He was a perfectionist.

He worked overtime because he was afraid of losing his job;

he did his job correctly and even worked more, because he wanted to impress his boss, gain respect and hoped for an easier job;

he tried to understand each and every situation, each and every human he encountered, each and every word spoken... It came from dealing with unsupportive people, being misunderstood and not seing the meaning of life.

"All this stuff makes no sence anymore" (Es macht kein Sinn mehr).

he couldn't say no.

But he said no, when it came to doctors. He didn't go check with a doctor, quit alcohol and receive a pension or jobless money because he was afraid he had to deal with authorities. 

He also saw himself as a misunderstood rebell; the pillar his mother, the for both me and his mother, then finally it was just me. He was jobless and worked this and that job for decades. Now he had a stable job for the first time and he was afraid of loosing his job.

I woke up early in the morning after a strange pain in my left side. I tried to get up but couldn't. Then suddenly my pain stopped. I woke up like from a nightmare. My husband was laying on the armchair I'm sitting now writing this. I somehow knew something was wrong before I could check on him. When I got closer to him I saw his pale lips and tired stare. I tried to wake him up, I touched his chest with my palms... although I knew he won't wake up...

I still kind of felt my husband was right beside me, giving me strength to deal with the paramedics and the police, his boss, the mortician; quitting some of his Magazine Subscriptions and accounts on music websites felt like a goodbye and a welcome (to a new life) at the same time.

He always said

"life consists of change" (germ. Das Leben besteht aus Veränderungen)".

He was a pessimist, trying to be positive, calling himself a realist. He was my Baby bear who needed his coffee every day. He was my dark stranger, the man I still try to understand to this day. He was the man that changed my life for the better. He was my one and only love.